Comparison/Compassion

One picture. One video. And suddenly a completely wonderful, peaceful day transforms into a spiral of self-doubt and helplessness. They yell in your face, pointing into your chest: “SEE, you’re SUCH a failure because you lost your temper with your kids!” The shame and self-hatred that follows can be so consuming.

I think a little part of us hates this feeling of comparison and the dull sadness it brings. It hates that this instinctive obsession with how others are doing robs us of the present joy we have.

But here’s what I’ve come to believe: in order to move beyond those things in our lives that we know rob us of joy, the things we hate about ourselves, we must in a way make friends with them. The best way to befriend is to understand.

So let’s understand.

Humans are remarkably adept at gauging our position relative to others. This skill evolved as a way to avoid unnecessary conflict by establishing social hierarchy. When you knew your place, you understood what was expected of you. Naturally, we gravitated toward those who were stronger, cooler, wealthier. Socially dominant individuals had greater access to opportunities and resources. By associating with them, we hoped to become more like them.

It’s no wonder we developed a sharp sensitivity to social rank and a deep-rooted habit of comparison. For generations, it helped us survive.

Today, our perceptual field is flooded with signals about how to climb the social ladder. What to wear, how to speak, what attitudes to adopt. These cues shift constantly. Yet we’re no longer fighting for basic resources, and our survival doesn’t hinge on social dominance or acceptance. Yet our nervous systems behave as if it does.

Here’s what makes it so much harder now:

We were never meant to know as much as we do about so many people.The fact that you can see what’s going on in the Kardashians’ life is completely abnormal. And in fact it has an abnormal effect on our psychology. Anxiety and overwhelm are very appropriate responses to the sheer magnitude of messages we receive daily about who we should be.

People have the ability to present a side of themselves that is curated. This sends our comparison wiring absolutely BONKERS. Upward comparison was never developed in a society that presented PERFECTION as the standard. No wonder we are so anxious. What we see on our phones is not reality, we see what’s curated, what’s polished, and frankly not real. It makes sense why the comparison wiring is so chronically detrimental to our joy and life satisfaction.

This is why I have an issue with clichés like “Comparison is the thief of joy.” While ultimately this is true, it is a small piece of the pie. It doesn’t help us understand why we can’t seem to stop, or what to actually do about it.

To understand and accept that this is wired into us, that it’s a part of our social wiring, that it helped us, changes everything. When we have awareness, we have the capacity to work with the wiring, not against it.

So knowing what you know now, be kind when you notice yourself comparing.

Consider placing boundaries around your use of social media, perhaps more so in seasons of vulnerability.

Choose to see how comparison is no longer adaptive in our modern world.

Compassion is the key. Noticing with kindness and choosing a path that more aligns with our values. Seeing comparison for what it is, and choosing not to live in the small world it creates for us.